Dave Coble (1:387/642), 20 Feb 97 22:03.
Bill the Cat altar in the center of the circle or near fire pit.
At the west place a partially full bottle or can of beer (the worst you can find, enough to anoint your initiates). At the north place an ashtray filled with sand. Near the altar place a spittoon (optional).
- Bill the Cat icon, statue or image
- Cigarettes and lighter
- Lit candles
- Several unopened bottles or cans of beer, Mountain Dew, Jolt cola, Pepsi Free or purple flavorored anything (or diet chocolate fudge soda)
- Mayonnaise mixed with tuna juice or peanut butter (optional)
- Brazier with charcoal
- Catnip (for incense)
- Plate of Goldfish Crackers in cat food bowl
- Kitty Litter or Pet Fresh Carpet Deodorizer
HP: “Folks, this is a ritual which is offensive. If you are easily offended, then leave now. If you are certain that you will be offended by it then you really need this ritual. If, however, at the end of the ritual you aren’t sufficiently offended, come up and see me and I’ll offend you personally.”
Gather coveners together and teach them this chant: Ack, Ack, Ack, Plbb, Plbb, Plbb.
Repeat as a group until you get tired of it.
Put a pinch of incense on the charcoal.
HP: Take can of Pet Fresh Carpet Deodorizer. Walk around the perimeter of the circle spraying Pet Fresh. If outside, use litter.
HP: “We are gathered in a sandbox that is not a sandbox.” Repeat as necessary.
HPS: Take cigarettes and lighter from altar and walk to the south. Light cigarette, wave cigarette at the sound, and intone:
Cross from south to east. Take deep puff from cigarette and blow smoke out ostentatiously. Wave cigarette at east and intone:
Cross from east to west. Pour beer on cigarette. Wave cigarette at west and intone:
Cross from west to north and stub cigarette in ashtray. Wave cigarette at north and intone:
*INVOKE BILL THE CAT*
HPS: Stand before Bill the Cat icon and hold hands out in invoking manner. “I invoke you and call upon you, O Mighty Ruler of Degeneracy, Bringer of Fun and Good Times! I invoke thee by Pun and Limerick, Cartoon and Quip, by Herb and Brew and All Other Manner of Consciousness-Changing Substances, to Descend into this Figure of This thy Servant and Priest: Hallucinate with His Eyes – Lick with His Tongue, Ingest with His Mouth – Grope with His Paws so that thy Servants may be Fulfilled.”
Pour some beer or other noxious substance over Bill’s head as an anointing (if indoors, and you object to kitty litter and beer being poured all over your carpets, use Pet Fresh instead of litter and put the beer in a bowl into which you dip your fingers and lightly sprinkle the icon or petitioners). Walk to the center of the circle, raise arms, and call:
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty!”
Repeat as needed.
*STATEMENT OF PURPOSE*
HP: “We are here to night to initiate new friends into the worship of Bill the Cat. Let the good times roll! Petitioners, step forward.” Wait for them to do so.
HP: “Is it your will to join the Cult of Bill the Cat?”
Petitioners assent–Yeah, Sure, why Not?, …, What?, etc.
HP: “I, (state your name), of my own free will and accord, do hereby swear to honor the Discordian deity, Bill the Cat, Lord of Humor, Perversity and Disgusting Noises. I promise to go for the Cheap Jokes, indulge in Excessive Behavior and always maintain my sense of the Ridiculous. I swear never to take my religion so seriously that I forget to laugh and in token thereof do I give fourth of my bodily fluids.” Spit into fire or spittoon.
*ANOINT AND CENSE INITIATES*
HP takes beer or soda from altar and anoints forehead of each initiate with the cough of “Ack.” Mayo mixed with tuna juice, or peanut butter, may be substituted for those with a kinkier mindset. Replace anointing fluid on altar. HPS censes each initiate with catnip incense.
*CHARGE OF BILL THE CAT*
HP: “Hear now the charge of Bill the Cat! Whenever you have needs, once in a while and better it be when your mouth is full, then shall you spew forth in some public house or private place or anywhere that persons may be gathered, and adore me, Bill the Cat, prince of all vulgarity. You who would fain indulge in lewd or disgusting acts but have not yet reached true depravity, these will I teach true excess and the art of making rude bodily noises, for I am come to tell you if it lookith gross and/or feeleth good, if others need to turn away in embarrassment or disgust, if it causeth others to burst forth in uncontrolled laughter, and if none be truly harmed, then have you stumbled into true oneness with the great spirit of Bill: and as a sign that you are truly free, you should be naked in your rites for then shall there shall be no fumbling with clothing in your drunken quest for the naughty bits. And spread humor, good will and anything else that needs spreading. All in my name, crying:
Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb! Hail Bill!”
*LIBATIONS AND TOASTING*
HPS burns a pinch of incense and opens beer. Takes a swig of beer and spits into the fire (or altar or spittoon). Passes beer to the initiate/covener on the left who repeats the process. After everyone has toasted Bill, beer is poured over his head and the bottle or can is replaced on the altar.
Pass the cat dish of Goldfish shaped crackers.
HP: “Hear now the inner mystery of Bill the Cat as told to us by Orenda, co-founding High Priestess of Bill the Cat: Why do you wrap hamsters in electrical tape? Answer: so they don’t explode when you f### them!”
HPS: “Initiates, you are now full empowered priests and priestesses of Bill the Cat, entitled to set up your own shrines and to initiate others. Go forth and spread the word (and anything else that needs spreading). Bill the Cat: he’s hot, he’s hip and he’s hairy. Hail Bill!”
All: “Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb!”
HPS: “Thanks, Bill. Y’all come on back now, hear?”
HP walks to the west and waves, intoning: “Bye-bye!” Repeats to east, then south, then north, or in any random order.
HP: “Th-th-that’s all, folks! It’s Miller time!”