Witchy Humor: The Initiation Ritual Into the Mystery Cult of Bill the Cat

Dave Coble (1:387/642), 20 Feb 97 22:03.

Lady Orenda and Lady Nightwind


Bill the Cat altar in the center of the circle or near fire pit.

At the west place a partially full bottle or can of beer (the worst you can find, enough to anoint your initiates). At the north place an ashtray filled with sand. Near the altar place a spittoon (optional).


  • Bill the Cat icon, statue or image
  • Cigarettes and lighter
  • Lit candles
  • Several unopened bottles or cans of beer, Mountain Dew, Jolt cola, Pepsi Free or purple flavorored anything (or diet chocolate fudge soda)
  • Mayonnaise mixed with tuna juice or peanut butter (optional)
  • Brazier with charcoal
  • Catnip (for incense)
  • Plate of Goldfish Crackers in cat food bowl
  • Kitty Litter or Pet Fresh Carpet Deodorizer


HP: “Folks, this is a ritual which is offensive. If you are easily offended, then leave now. If you are certain that you will be offended by it then you really need this ritual. If, however, at the end of the ritual you aren’t sufficiently offended, come up and see me and I’ll offend you personally.”

Gather coveners together and teach them this chant: Ack, Ack, Ack, Plbb, Plbb, Plbb.

Repeat as a group until you get tired of it.

Put a pinch of incense on the charcoal.


HP: Take can of Pet Fresh Carpet Deodorizer. Walk around the perimeter of the circle spraying Pet Fresh. If outside, use litter.

HP: “We are gathered in a sandbox that is not a sandbox.” Repeat as necessary.



HPS: Take cigarettes and lighter from altar and walk to the south. Light cigarette, wave cigarette at the sound, and intone:


Cross from south to east. Take deep puff from cigarette and blow smoke out ostentatiously. Wave cigarette at east and intone:


Cross from east to west. Pour beer on cigarette. Wave cigarette at west and intone:


Cross from west to north and stub cigarette in ashtray. Wave cigarette at north and intone:



HPS: Stand before Bill the Cat icon and hold hands out in invoking manner. “I invoke you and call upon you, O Mighty Ruler of Degeneracy, Bringer of Fun and Good Times! I invoke thee by Pun and Limerick, Cartoon and Quip, by Herb and Brew and All Other Manner of Consciousness-Changing Substances, to Descend into this Figure of This thy Servant and Priest: Hallucinate with His Eyes – Lick with His Tongue, Ingest with His Mouth – Grope with His Paws so that thy Servants may be Fulfilled.”

Pour some beer or other noxious substance over Bill’s head as an anointing (if indoors, and you object to kitty litter and beer being poured all over your carpets, use Pet Fresh instead of litter and put the beer in a bowl into which you dip your fingers and lightly sprinkle the icon or petitioners). Walk to the center of the circle, raise arms, and call:

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty!”

Repeat as needed.

[Page clxiv]


HP: “We are here to night to initiate new friends into the worship of Bill the Cat. Let the good times roll! Petitioners, step forward.” Wait for them to do so.

HP: “Is it your will to join the Cult of Bill the Cat?”

Petitioners assent–Yeah, Sure, why Not?, …, What?, etc.


HP: “I, (state your name), of my own free will and accord, do hereby swear to honor the Discordian deity, Bill the Cat, Lord of Humor, Perversity and Disgusting Noises. I promise to go for the Cheap Jokes, indulge in Excessive Behavior and always maintain my sense of the Ridiculous. I swear never to take my religion so seriously that I forget to laugh and in token thereof do I give fourth of my bodily fluids.” Spit into fire or spittoon.


HP takes beer or soda from altar and anoints forehead of each initiate with the cough of “Ack.” Mayo mixed with tuna juice, or peanut butter, may be substituted for those with a kinkier mindset. Replace anointing fluid on altar. HPS censes each initiate with catnip incense.

[Page 666]


HP: “Hear now the charge of Bill the Cat! Whenever you have needs, once in a while and better it be when your mouth is full, then shall you spew forth in some public house or private place or anywhere that persons may be gathered, and adore me, Bill the Cat, prince of all vulgarity. You who would fain indulge in lewd or disgusting acts but have not yet reached true depravity, these will I teach true excess and the art of making rude bodily noises, for I am come to tell you if it lookith gross and/or feeleth good, if others need to turn away in embarrassment or disgust, if it causeth others to burst forth in uncontrolled laughter, and if none be truly harmed, then have you stumbled into true oneness with the great spirit of Bill: and as a sign that you are truly free, you should be naked in your rites for then shall there shall be no fumbling with clothing in your drunken quest for the naughty bits. And spread humor, good will and anything else that needs spreading. All in my name, crying:

Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb! Hail Bill!”


HPS burns a pinch of incense and opens beer. Takes a swig of beer and spits into the fire (or altar or spittoon). Passes beer to the initiate/covener on the left who repeats the process. After everyone has toasted Bill, beer is poured over his head and the bottle or can is replaced on the altar.

Pass the cat dish of Goldfish shaped crackers.


HP: “Hear now the inner mystery of Bill the Cat as told to us by Orenda, co-founding High Priestess of Bill the Cat: Why do you wrap hamsters in electrical tape? Answer: so they don’t explode when you f### them!”

[Page B]


HPS: “Initiates, you are now full empowered priests and priestesses of Bill the Cat, entitled to set up your own shrines and to initiate others. Go forth and spread the word (and anything else that needs spreading). Bill the Cat: he’s hot, he’s hip and he’s hairy. Hail Bill!”

All: “Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb!”


HPS: “Thanks, Bill. Y’all come on back now, hear?”

HP walks to the west and waves, intoning: “Bye-bye!” Repeats to east, then south, then north, or in any random order.

HP: “Th-th-that’s all, folks! It’s Miller time!”

Witches’ Ethics: To Charge or Not to Charge

A heated debate often rises when witches of various paths get together. Is it acceptable for witches to charge for teaching witchcraft or doing spells for others? Is it anathema? May witches take donations for spells or barter for occult knowledge lessons? Should magickal application and teaching be free? Should a reasonable fee be acceptable if a witch chooses to charge? The arguments go round and round, eternally. These sorts of questions are a delicate balance between two separate factions in witchcraft.

On one hand, you have a faction who believes that it is an insult to their witchcraft to charge a fee. These witches feel that it is a dishonor to their deities and/or themselves to charge for what they know and can do. They state that the time invested in learning has already been spent and, as such, they should help others learn what they know without charge. They invested time, due to their own desire to learn and they want to pass on this knowledge, solely as a way to give back to the craft. They believe that to teach others is an honor and they accept all comers to magick with equanimity. They feel that if they have the knowledge and power, then they are duty bond to help those who ask for assistance.

On the other hand, you have a faction who believes that, as with any other crafts, charging for their effort and knowledge is justified. Just as a carpenter, artist, or schoolteacher charges for their knowledge, training, and efforts, so should the witch. They feel that their personal knowledge, the energy spent in learning their craft and honing their particular magickal talents was their own and that as they paid for their skills with time, study materials and more, they have the right to charge a reasonable fee for the teaching of others or working magick on their behalf. They feel that if someone wishes to get their needs met with greater ease by having personal instruction, instead of searching out the knowledge on their own, or having spells cast for them, then why not charge. Money is a commodity that makes many things in life simpler to attain, magick falls into this realm for them. Some of these witches feel that exchanging money as a fee for their talents or knowledge is wrong, but they have no problem with using a barter system or accepting donations from the person seeking knowledge or assistance.

So the question remains, should witches charge or give freely?

The breaking point between the two factions comes, most often, at the point of religion. Most of the “freely give” witches seem to be in the camp who consider witchcraft to be their primary religion. Wiccans, for example, tend to mostly be in the “give it away” camp, as opposed to charging for magick and the knowledge their craft contains For those witches who see their practice of the craft as a religion it is sometimes incomprehensible to contemplate accepting a fee. However, those who consider witchcraft to be a practice, or secondary to their religion, tend to be in the fee, barter, or donate camps. They consider the craft an application of skills, intention, and effort, not related to their specific worship, if they have any specific worship, so the issue of a fee does not have the same sense of distaste the other faction feels for fees.

Other reasons for their decision may also depend upon whether or not the person learning or receiving the spell work is inside the witches family, friends, coven, or group. Many witches have an “in is free” and “out is paid” rule, which guides them. Needs versus desires may be a breakpoint between charging and not charging for use of talents as well. Whereas one person may have a serious illness in their family, another may want to find their dream job so they may leave one they dislike. Circumstances vary, and most often, so do the determination between charging a fee and giving freely.

Most often, it is a case of “to each their own” when it comes to magickal knowledge and practice. If one feels comfortable charging a reasonable fee for their time, knowledge, training, and energy, it is their call. If others feel duty bound to teach free, that is their prerogative. However, if someone is spending a great deal of time working on spells and teaching others to practice witchcraft, they may choose to charge when they otherwise would not. After all, everyone needs to make a living; if a witch is “working” at spells and teaching that may be considered as their job. Many witches are primary earners; others may help with family financial obligations. Is it right for them to give away what can earn finances for food, clothing, and bills for their family?

Personally, the only thing I charge for are tools and spells I create for others upon request or numerological readings I make for people I do not have a personal relationship with. I sometimes break my own rules, write spells for strangers in need, and cast for new acquaintances on occasion, just because their need is so great. Typically, I tend to share the spells, rituals, knowledge, and beliefs here on the blog for all to see and learn from if they wish to do so. That is my way of honoring my craft. Again, that is MY way… not THE way.

However, if I were to take on a full time student, again, create lesson plans, “labs” of spells and take the time to evaluate their learning, quantify it, and target a plan specifically to that person… I would have no problem with expecting to have my time paid at a reasonable rate. A teaching job is still a job, regardless of the matter taught. I certainly do not expect the teachers educating my sons in high school to work free.

Some witches, myself included, have had the experience that without a modest fee, some pupils tend to be less serious about their studies. Some “free” students have even had the nerve to become annoyed when asked about homework assignments. They are not serious about lessons, because to them, the free lessons feel frivolous and expendable. After all, it was not as if they were paying for the privilege of lessons. I have learned to separate wheat from chaff by charging a fee initially, then, if the student is respectful of the time it takes to plan and execute the lessons, if they try in earnest, the fee may ”magickally” disappear. It is witchcraft after all. 😉

So to recap:

Free: If it comes naturally to you and you feel it is an affront to charge for your gifts, then more power to you, spread the wealth of knowledge freely and free and may you be blessed for it.

Charge: If you have labored long and hard, studied vigorously, learned much, and want to share the knowledge you have gleaned in a one-on-one setting and believe that it is worth an honest restitution for your efforts, then charging a reasonable fee is perfectly acceptable.

How do you practice? Do you charge or give freely of the witchcraft you have learned? As always, when disagreements like these occur, I think it is best to agree to disagree with those who think differently. After all, as with all other things witchy, everyone is entitled to their opinion. No one way is the only way.

As for teaching others, personally, I do not think the question of pay versus no pay is anywhere close to the importance of questioning and/or investigating the ethics and morality of those who approach us to teach them. I want to be assured that the people I teach have a similar belief system regarding honor and accountability before I agree to provide them with the tools and knowledge to work spells and rituals. However, that is fodder for another post!